Why am I blogging and other reflections of an almost 40 year old
I’m not sure what I’m after here, but I know it’s where I want to be.
For some reason, I feel a tug to write. Not just journal, but write, and put it somewhere out there. Strangely, I don’t have a particular focus or an audience in mind, so I’m just…. here. It feels similar to the impulse humans have to holler into a cave just to hear what happens next; I kind of know what to expect, yet I can’t shake the curiosity that something may surprise me.
Today is Thanksgiving, isn’t that a weird day to start a blog? I’ve struggled with major holidays a lot since becoming an adult. I can’t think of a single holiday that I’ve ever passionately celebrated on my own. Every time I think about it, I go down the rabbit hole of, “What’s the point?” Not always due to depression (although I’m no stranger to it), but just in a very existential way. Commercialism and capitalism annoy me and I am not religious. I haven’t lived near my family in a long time, so I am not forced to partake in traditions just because that’s what I “have” to do. Reading this, you may think, “Cool, so just identify what’s meaningful to you on these holidays and celebrate however you want!” but it always feels so much more complex than that. Anyway, I’ve been working on it.
Every year, as another holiday approaches, I think about what my approach will be. This year, I decided it would be nice to cook a nice meal since we haven’t cooked for Thanksgiving in several years. I wanted to see what it would feel like this time. I also wanted to do some baking because I love how it fills the house with yummy smells. I was worried I wouldn’t have the energy and I was right, but we pulled it off. Here are some reflections:
I like that I made banana bread first thing this morning, even though I almost talked myself out of it a hundred times before today because I hate the smell of overripe bananas. I loved how quiet the house was and that I cleaned up afterward. I like that I used my beautiful stand mixer, which I was almost too intimidated to do. I’ve used it for cookies, but not for bread.
I like that I took breaks when I needed them, which meant that I never broke a sweat. I hate sweating and I sweat easily, so a not-sweaty day in the kitchen is pretty freakin’ special!
I like that I took a nap at noon. Usually, people sleep after the meal on Thanksgiving, but I happened to wake up at 4:00 AM today, so I was ready for rest before the big meal.
I loved that we tried something new and untraditional!
I like that I ran to the grocery store to get olives for the spur-of-the-moment deviled eggs I decided to make, even though I was drained.
I liked what I was wearing. Comfy but felt good and looked acceptable, which I only care about because I like to take pictures on special days.
Whew! First post down. More to come.